Phone Therapy Rules

by The Bitch

As stated, phone therapy costs $90 for 30 minutes of conversation. If you follow the rules below, you need never spend a dollar more and can enojoy the benefits of live therapy over a period of time.

Since I dislike chatting on the phone, especially long conversations, few phone therapy clients will be accepted. If you truly enjoy aural stimulation or cannot meet me in person, then consider yourself fortunate that I agree to speak with you. Therefore…

if you cannot adhere to the rules below, then you will feel significant financial pain, followed by true emotional pain as I hang up on you and never again contact you. Constant rule-breakers, even if they always pay their fines, are tedious and a waste of my time.

  1. All rules are subject to change. Fines are subject to change as well (“change” will always be more). As a courtesy, I will let you know when I’ve made changes. I expect you to read the rules again. Ignorance does not move me to charity.
  2. No topic is off limits, however, I guide the conversation as I see fit. If you cannot stay on topic or insist on conversing in a vein I don’t care for, you will be fined $100 per call.
  3. I will terminate your call for excessive interruption. You will be fined $200.
  4. If you suffer technical difficulties during our call due to your inability to manage technology, you will be fined $200.
  5. Periodically, I will announce how much time you have left. At the end of every call, I will announce your remaining balance.
  6. If you cannot speak in a way that’s clearly intelligible, our phone therapy will be of short duration.
  7. “Um” is not a word. Neither is “uh.” Each verbal tic will net a fine of $20.
  8. Phone therapy is limited to a maximum of two hours per week, per client.
  9. Once your balance reaches $0, I will tell you and hang up. If you wish to continue speaking with me, pay another deposit. I will not respond to you again unless you pay.
  10. If you wish to meet in person, then send a deposit of $100 specifically for that and we will make the necessary arrangements to meet. It is not a conversation I will entertain under the guise of phone therapy.
  11. Should you never get a response to your inquiry about phone therapy, consider my silence a genuine statement of my feelings about you.