Email Therapy Rules

by The Bitch

As stated, email therapy costs $30 per email. If you follow the rules below, you need never spend a dollar more and can enjoy a satisfying correspondence lasting as long as you wish, with the frequency your discretionary income allows.

If you cannot adhere to the rules below, then you will feel significant financial pain, followed by true emotional pain as I eventually stop our correspondence. Constant rule-breakers, even if they always pay their fines, are tedious and a waste of my time.

  1. All rules are subject to change. Fines are subject to change as well (“change” will always be more). As a courtesy, I will let you know when I’ve made changes. I expect you to read the rules again. Ignorance does not move me to charity.
  2. No topic is off limits, however, I guide the conversation as I see fit. If you cannot stay on topic or insist on conversing in a vein I don’t care for, you will be fined $50 per email.
  3. Your emails are 346 words or fewer. You are fined $10 per word over that limit.
  4. Should you send a one line response, you will be fined $100. I expect thoughtful, developed responses to my questions. In other words, an actual conversation. It is your job to develop the art of brevity while fully expressing yourself.
  5. Should you discover you need two or three emails (of 346 words or fewer) to answer a question, understand you will be charged the base rate per email.
  6. If you cannot spell or punctuate properly, you will be fined $10 per error. Should you be completely incapable of writing a literate email, you will be charged $200 per email because reading it gives me a headache. Learn to proofread.
  7. You may email me as often as you wish — as long as your deposit can afford it. At the bottom of every response I send, I will give you your current balance.
  8. I will not entertain any emails from you begging for an extension of credit, extra responses, or any other whining. Once your balance reaches $0, you will be notified. Your choices are: cease emailing or pay another deposit. I will not respond to you again unless you pay.
  9. If you email repeatedly after your account reaches $0 and then finally send a deposit, you will be fined $50 per email sent during the interim.
  10. If you wish to meet in person, then send a deposit of $100 specifically for that and we will make the necessary arrangements to meet. It is not a conversation I will entertain under the guise of email therapy.
  11. Should you never get a response to your email, consider my silence a genuine statement of my feelings about you.